Is regret good?

We all make mistakes. As the world becomes increasingly competitive we push to maximize efficiency and productiveness, pursuing perfection with no room for mistakes. This attitude is reinforced through sports, college, your credit record, driving record, insurance record, family, friends, taxes, career, etc. To avoid mistakes we follow the rules, blend in with the crowd (most of the time), and make sure everyone is happy. “Death is not our biggest fear – it’s taking the risk to be alive” (see Happiness Blog). Living a life unique to us can involve risk and result in disapproval and temporary loss of our sense of security.

The perception of our mistakes plays a key role in shaping our Integrity. Integrity is the value we place on ourselves and refers to the quality of a person's character. To act with integrity is to act in a way that accurately reflects a sense of who you are; to act from motives, interests and commitments that are most deeply your own. The natural tendency when we do something without integrity is to justify our actions and make ourselves right. Or we may say the action was deserved, making the other person wrong. Both of these are avoiding reality by denying our own sense of truth and responsibility for our actions. The problem is not the original mistake but the lie we tell ourselves that causes damage to our integrity and the relationships with others we have wronged.

Regret should not be confused with taking responsibility for our past. Taking responsibility means that we make a concerted effort to change the behavior pattern that resulted in the mistaken choice, and the beliefs and feelings that empowered it. We need to move on by making peace with the past: drop our defenses and the lies we may have told ourselves, face up to the reality of our actions and their consequences, and forgive ourselves. Forgiveness has nothing to do with feeling sorry or apologizing, neither of which changes anything. From a higher perspective there is no right or wrong. There are choices and experiences, cause and effect. True forgiveness can only be granted by ourselves, but judgment gets in the way. We need to separate our inherent worth from our actions. Also, if we can forgive ourselves then we can more easily forgive others.

Absolutes: We cannot change the past - we can learn from it. No one benefits from being punished.

If we regret something, we haven't learned from it and wasted that chance to learn, the only true mistake we can make.

Duane Batcheler

Key to Happiness?

I wrote this early in my travels and it sounds a bit cheesy to me now but may still have some use for someone. Much of it came from reading the book "The Four Agreements".

We are born with the capacity to learn how to dream. But the people who lived before us taught us to dream the way society dreams with its many rules. This is reinforced throughout our life by our parents, teachers, jobs, friends, government, religion, etc. Most of us have not chosen our moral values, at first we may rebel, but eventually through immersion we form perceptions of what is right and wrong and faithfully agree (to believe unconditionally) to become part of society. Some people in society are ruled by fear (paranoia, greed, anger, jealousy, hate, revenge, envy, etc) and it starts to cloud their perceptions, limiting freedom, and create an image of perfection that is unobtainable. In India they call this “mitote maya” which means illusion. They cannot see who they truly are; they cannot see that they are not free. Death is NOT our biggest fear – it’s taking the risk to be alive. In our pursuit of perfection and pleasing others we may wear a social mask and lose our identity and integrity (see Integrity Blog).

Ignorance is bliss and most people will defend their way of life to the grave. Anyone who challenges it is considered a threat to themselves, friends, family, and society because change would involve risk and jeopardize safety not to mention implying that their existence to this point was aimed at an illusion. However, people who have a strong sense of self seek alternative points of view and constructive criticism from others. Their minds are fertile, have open communication, a pure intent, don’t judge others, higher self esteem, strong integrity, and are more proactive than reactive.

As we learn that some people are driven by ignorance, fear, and the pursuit of perfection may have a different perception than our own, we also learn not to take their views or actions personally. We start to become liberated from the judgments of others. We gain identity and develop our own set of principles to use as a center for making decisions. As this “principle center” strengthens we become immune to things outside of our control and our ultimate happiness/fulfillment becomes obtainable. We step off the emotional rollercoaster that is driven by money, acceptance from society, relationships, career, possessions, pleasure, physical appearances, or other uncontrollable influences.

When we live our lives according to principles we set for ourselves instead of rules set by others, out of love instead of fear, we unlock personal freedom driving passion and fulfillment for ourselves as well as others.

These ideas are common sense, repeated by many, and easier said than done. So why do some of us still live in a mental prison? Because we’re not aware, we resist change, and we don’t take action due to fear. We need to be aware of who we are, our potential, how we’ve been influenced by others, and the fact that we are the only one in control of ourselves. Then we have to change our perceptions of right and wrong to match our personal principles, and act out of pure intent also known as unconditional love. Awareness is easy, the hard part is changing.

Duane Batcheler